30/1/2026 the first anniversary

A truly horrible night my eyes are swollen from crying, my nose is red from wiping it, I physically can’t catch my breath and the pain in my chest is horrendous. The images of the day are just playing over and over and I can’t stop them. FFS.  

I went for my usual gallon of coffee in my sun glasses and had to leave after blowing snot bubbles into it.  Splendid.  

Oh the grand ideas I had of what I was going to do today to turn an awful memory into a better one. They didn’t pan out at all.  I couldn’t book my quad trip due to the card issue, which I think was definitely the universe’s way of trying to protect me. If I had gone I suspect I would have ended up hurting myself as my head is all over the place.  

Then I thought I’d go for a ride around the island on the bus. What I hadn’t accounted for is the loveliness of the people,  who all want to chat and be generally really nice. I got off the bus a few stops down the road because I couldn’t cope with the niceness. 

When I got back to the resort I thought hmmm I’ll get shitfaced and blot the day out completely, however there was a flaw in that plan too, that required speaking to people at the bar.  Scratch that. 

I just went back to the room, drew the curtains, put the air con on and sat in the dark brawling my eyes out. All day. Watching all the videos of Si and looking at my photos of him,  remembering all the wonderful things we did, the things he’d say and do that used to make me smile.  Which was pretty much everything. 

I had a visit from papa Tom who bought me a Cook Islands Sarong and some island gardenia oil because he’d remembered what day it was and apparently the staff had wanted to do something nice for me because I was so sad. Que more tears, people are just the kindest aren’t they. I will treasure the sarong and every time I look at it I’m reminded of the kindness of strangers in my darkest hours.  

Apart from the kindness of the staff I was blown away by the messages and texts I had from people sending me hugs and good thoughts. Even though I’m so far away people were thinking of me and most importantly of Si. Knowing how loved he was by everyone, not just me is really comforting.  I couldn’t find the right words to go on a memorial thing for him on FB because I don't want people thinking it was a poor me post. I just don’t want him to ever be forgotten, he’s too precious to ever let go.  Due to some family members' posts I was struggling with what to put . Ugh it’s a shame murder is illegal, which is probably  just as well because orange isn’t really  my colour..  

Dylan phoned bless him,  because he wanted to check I was ok given the date . That boy is one in a million and Si would be so proud of him, I know I keep saying it m, but he would be.  He’s just such a caring person.  He’s going down to see June on the weekend too to check she’s ok.  

So that’s my day in a nutshell, a real bramah quite frankly.  It was even worse than I expected. Again, it was definitely the right decision to be alone, not feeling a burden on anyone and being able to let out the tears and emotions without making anyone feel uncomfortable.  

The only other thing of note is I used a whole roll of toilet tissue, but that’s ok, Susie will be in tomorrow to replenish everything. 

Thankyou to everyone who messaged and sent me hugs. I'm eternally grateful to you all and I’m so blessed to have you in my life.  Love you all. 

Much Love

Mrs Leonard 

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