1/2/2026 February… where the hell did January go??

So February already,  WTAF? How did that happen and It was the last day to catch some rays. 

I had breakfast with Fawza and her friends which was lovely as they were all still on a party high and again so welcoming and friendly.  They had a lunch planned  and some fish feeding over at the Edgewater, so once I’d finished my coffees I left them to their day and went to locate my sun lounger for the last time.  I spent a little while watching a rain cloud empty its contents into the ocean. It didn’t make it to the Island thankfully, it had emptied itself by the time it got here.

There was no sun and it was very overcast but the uv index was sitting around 10 all day. There has been a really strong wind blowing in off the ocean and it’s made it simply glorious and a real pleasure to lie out in. Whilst I refuse to complain about the heat , the humidity has been a struggle to cope with.  I need to get used to it ready for the next leg,  as Samoa humidity is higher again.  Eventually the sun came out and with the added breeze it was just perfect. 

I fell asleep to the waves which was amazing although I did wake slightly disorientated as you’d expect!  I watched a cruise ship leaving the port and its next destination was Tonga. I know this because I checked on line as I am a bit nosy about these things. Sounds like a nice cruise if you like cruises.  

By 1730 I’d had enough, and before I dragged my ass back to my room, I decided I deserved a cocktail to celebrate the end of my trip  I have no idea what was in the cocktail apart from a “Leonard measure” of coconut rum and then another one, I’d left it up to the barman and asked him for surprise. It was a surprise alright!  I think I might be blind.  He brought it over  to my sun lounger and I drank it looking out over the ocean and spent the time reflecting on my little achievements. 

I’ve made  it through the month. The dread that’s been in the pit of my stomach every single day has been crippling. I’ve survived the anniversary of losing Si despite really not wanting to be here without him,  which is something I can’t honestly see changing anytime soon. Unfortunately every day takes me further away from when he was alive which kills me. But it is taking me closer to joining him and that’s something I can cling to and find comfort in.  I’ve managed to get myself, in a fashion, to, and around, Rarotonga in the Cook Islands. I’ve made myself talk to people when it would have been easier to keep to myself like Si and I used to when we were away.  So despite how hard every single day has been and how much I just wanted to stay in the room feeling sorry for myself, I guess I should be feeling pleased with myself for accomplishing what I have.  There is an awful lot more I could have done but in the main there have been a few little wins.  I did it with the love and support of you awesome people and for that I am forever in your debt. I know I wouldn’t have made it without you.  Even the people who have crossed my path have been incredible, I am truly blessed to be surrounded by such amazing, kind, generous and loving people. I know Si would be as astounded as I am. I also like to think that he placed some of them in my path to help me through this ultimate shower of shit. I just want him by my side so I don’t have to do this horrible shitty little life of mine alone. I suppose saying my life is awful and shitty comes across as ridiculous given I’m sitting on a beautiful Pacific island in the middle of the ocean. However, the beauty around me hasn't done a thing to alleviate the numbness inside me, it doesn’t take away the pain, the loneliness and the emptiness that is my life. Yes it’s a wonderful place to be but it means nothing at all  without Si  to share it with me. Nothing matters at all, it's not a life it’s just an existence and a pretty bloody crappy one at that. 

I got my bag packed  in about 2 seconds flat, probably because there wasn’t much to go in it,  and once it was done I decided to try a celebratory bedroom picnic which is something Si and I used to enjoy when we were on our travels. I opted for a pizza, had I known how enormous it would be I would have had something else!

I managed to force down a slice before the appetite vanished and then wished I hadn’t bothered as it was a complete waste of money!  However Morg rang and I was telling him about it, and he had the marvelous idea to keep it til the next day and have it for lunch  so that’s what I will do. I popped it in the fridge and crawled into bed counting myself very lucky to have a smart kid to parent me. Feel free to insert a huge number of eye rolls here, and you too can have a pair of eyeballs suffering repetitive strain injury now.  

Much Love

Mrs Leonard

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