6/3/2026 Happy Birthday Si.

Happy Birthday Si, on what should have been your 62nd year around the sun. Thank you to my “tribe" who have taken the time to tell me you're thinking about me, in messages, phone calls and facetimes. I appreciate the love and thoughts so much and am eternally grateful to each and everyone of you for caring enough to do it. I bloody love you all. Although this is the second birthday Si hasn't celebrated with us, aside from going out with Cath and Rob for a meal last year to celebrate his birth which I remember, I don't remember much else about it to be perfectly honest, other than the complete and utter disbelief that he was gone. Yesterday and today it hit big time, and it sucks. I guess that's because the shock of it is no longer present and we've had all the other firsts in such a short space of time. I had planned to get up and get a photo of the sunrise, his favourite time of day, but the room overlooks other houses so all I could see was the fiery orange glow of the sky.  Morg said it was an absolute stunner, but because he was working he didn't get a photo of it either. He's not like me in that regard, clicking photos of everything, he just prefers to commit it to memory. The fear I have with memories is that they'll fade over time, and then I'll be royally screwed. Photos are definitely the way to go!

I had a lovely facetime before breakfast, for which I am extremely grateful, and while I was on the call I glanced down and saw a tiny little white feather. It wasn't there before I sat down on the bed, and I was so happy to see it, thank you Si, I’d still much prefer that you were here holding my hand than sending me a feather, but I’ll take it and feel grateful.. There are no feather pillows or cushions in the bedroom so it can only have been Si. Facetime cheered me up thankyou, it's amazing what a call with a loved one will do. I struggled somewhat with breakfast but another facetime got me through it, and once that was finished I returned to my room and did some memory reviving. The videos of his last birthday in Fiji were a hard and tortuous yet a very necessary watch for me, he looked so happy and once again I was so grateful and happy that we had got to experience it together, and it's something no one can ever take away from me. I will never forget the total wonder and child-like awe in his voice when he was describing the Blue starfish from the snorkelling trip. Or the sight of him wading out of the ocean like Daniel Craig, but waaaaay more handsome and fit as he walked up the sandbar to kiss the camera lens, which I now feel is the closest thing to a kiss from him I'll ever have. That is one of my favorite videos, although they are all so precious now .  Thank god Shareen thoughtfully provides tissues in the room. Lots of tissues. I was relieved that there were no other guests in the bed and breakfast at that time of day because being seen by anyone would have been way too much for this slightly neurotic little sausage to cope with. 

By lunch time I finally managed to pull myself together, had a shower and put on my nice pink, orange and black dress.  I think I look like a liquorice allsort in it, I know had we been home and I walked down the stairs in it Simon would have wolf whistled, without even looking at me, and when i’d point out to him he hadn't even seen what Ilooked like, he’d always say “I don't need to look, you always look gorgeous”.( yes he was wearing his glasses before any smart arse questions that!)  but sadly he never saw the made up liquorice allsort dress. Along with putting on the frock I made a huge effort and put on a bit of makeup, well some lipstick anyway. Nothing that was going to end up running down my face and would lead to me being mistaken for a panda. My fragile little ego couldn't possibly cope with that as well today! Once I’d made myself look marginally more presentable than earlier on, I started to make my way to St Heliers. It took me an hour and 25 minutes today, it's definitely not a PB. I have decided to make it my daily challenge from Monday till my flight home to improve the timing! I'll keep you posted, especially as the new crutches should be here on Monday. Also being back down in Kohimarama and on the flat will certainly knock off a good 25 minutes from the time, but we won't bother to acknowledge that when I'm feeling smug on gaining a new PB. 

As the sun was shining, it was the perfect backdrop for more photos of some of the beautiful houses. I'm hoping the owners won't mind!

The tide was out and the amount of bird life in the rock pools and on the rocks was phenomenal. There was one in particular, black body, with a bright orange beak with a yellow tip, and pink legs, I’ve no idea what it was but it was so quirky! I loved it.

I went straight to the coffee shop, and made it there with half an hour to spare before they stopped serving coffee. As it's Si’s birthday I ordered milky coffee for me and a black one for him, then spied a custard tart which he would have enjoyed and a little lemon cupcake for me. Had he been here we would have shared both cakes anyway. As he rudely wasn't, I ate both cakes and drank both the coffees, judge me if you like. Not a single shit is given. All I can say is I'm very relieved I was wearing sun glasses. Just sitting there drinking two coffees and eating two cakes by myself was not only a bit weird, but really fukin hard. I hope he at least appreciates my efforts for his birthday, frock, makeup, cake and coffee!  The usual tried and true method of keeping my head down and not making eye contact deterred the usual friendly natives from making conversation and no one came near me. Not even the lovely Josh bless him. I drank Si’s coffee so fast that mine was still hot when I finished drinking his, I didn't want to risk his getting cold hence drinking  it first. 

When I finished the coffees and cakes I walked back down the street to The Porch, to get Morg and I a table for dinner. I'd tried to ring to book us in earlier but they only take bookings after 1900hours so it was a case of first come first served. As it was only1545 there were plenty of tables free and I selected one outside in the sunshine, sat down and ordered a cider while I waited for Morg. He wasn't that long and we ordered him a beer and toasted my Si.

Amazingly i managed to control the tears with a few quick swallows of cider and ordered another. I was thirsty.  We had a look at the menu, and ordered what we wanted.

I naturally selected what I thought Si would have. Morg and I had a really lovely evening, we laughed about Simon's escapades, particularly the ones involving alcohol of which there are soooooo many.  

I told him stories about things we'd done on our various adventures that he'd never heard. I need to get them transferred from the old handwritten travel journal and onto here so they're all in one place then I think I'd like to get them put onto a book as there are so many places and one day i may have the strength to read through them. It was so nice to be able to share those memories with someone who loved and respected Si as much as I did, and wanted to hear them. We talked a lot about what a positive influence Si had been on Morgan when he was growing up,  right from when he was very small, but also how he was one of the few people who stuck around for the kids after I had the car crash. That's why I'm so surprised at how many people are still at my side. I think that partly it's out of a desire to still have that connection with Simon, but nevertheless,  like I said at the beginning of today's entry, you all still take the time to check in on me while I'm on the other side of the world running away from everything, and trying to give you all a well deserved reprieve from the burden that is me!  It's something that blows my tiny little  mind. What really surprised me was how much anger Morgan still holds towards those who moved on and forgot about us after the crash all these years later. He said it was because they were all people I'd bent over backwards for in the previous years, but he feels when I needed them the most they were nowhere to be seen and they'd let me and them down., but that's life isn't it, and that's how it goes? You find out who your friends really are when the shit hits the fan and I've had a couple of ‘opportunities’ for want of a better word to find out who mine are over the years. Believe it or not It's actually something I am very grateful to have had the chance to discover , obviously I would rather have not had to find out. However,  I wouldn't have had the privilege of getting to know some of you as well as I have if Si were still alive, and that's the only good thing that has come out of him dying .. I'm struggling to find anything else good about the situation but my friends and family, well you guys are most definitely the silver lining and I know how lucky I am to have each and every one of you so please know how much I love, care for and appreciate you all. I don't say it as much as I should and for that I am truly sorry. I will do better when I get home. Which will be when it stops raining and not a minute before. 

I know Si would have loved our celebration for him, Morg and I got shitfaced, yes the “old Clairey" was definitely  back for the night! I heard Si say it so clearly it made me look around, and he would have been immensely proud of me for that alone.  We laughed and we cried, then laughed, cried and drank some more. Si would have loved it, because nobody got out sober. There was no tequila snorting, I don't think The Porch is the snorting tequilla type of joint . Nor is it a firework type joint which is probably just as well given the amount of alcohol on board. (if you know you know)

To end the day of his birth, there was a lovely sunset and both Morg and I watched it in silence until the day faded into night.

After 6 hours of hard drinking, laughter tears and snotbubbles Morg  decided it was time to call it a night,  so he ordered me an Uber to get me back to the bed and breakfast and within minutes it arrived and I was in the back of the car… .making drunken conversation with the uber driver. Clearly I was  absolutely hilarious because the driver giggled the whole way home. I had to correct him when he commented that it was getting colder at night now. There was me , sat in a summer dress feeling rather warm, probably aided by the alcohol, not remotely cold, so  I had to educate him on the weather and current temperatures at home. He laughed again, and it seems our UK weather is hilarious too. I even showed him camera footage of the rain in case he was in any doubt, and yes he was driving

He dropped me off and I even managed to get into the security door lock of the bed and breakfast the first time round. How is that for an accomplishment??  Alcohol is clearly my friend as i’ve failed to get in the door the first time on every occasion I've attempted it. 

There were some men talking in the lounge area when I walked in so I acknowledged them, in full incognito mode of sunglasses in the dark so no one could see me, and carried on up the stairs to my room. Shareen was in the larger of the rooms on the first floor that has a kitchen in it, doing her ironing. That woman doesn't stop! We chatted for a while which was nice before I continued onto my room and into bed. There was some significant outletting of emotion once I was alone with my photos and my memories again, which under the circumstances I think was entirely acceptable. Another really hard day, but it's over which has taken me another day closer to joining Si. Happy birthday babe, I miss you so much and love you always and forever. 

Much Love 

Mrs Leonard

x