31/1/2025 New Years Eve

Happy 55th Birthday to me. The rain poured all night and continued for most of the day. Walking to breakfast, the wooden walkway was covered in red hibiscus petals that had been knocked down by the rain overnight. It  looked so beautiful, and it was almost a shame to walk on them.

We arrived at breakfast and it appears the supply boat has been in because everything was on the buffet again. Morgan was ecstatic!  Our omelet was ordered, so we went  and sat down. A couple had very rudely sat in our spot. How dare they? We had to sit at the other end.  As we’d just sat down, Sue came over, she’d lost Tara who had apparently stormed off in a strop because she didn’t want to go home. Poor Sue was very tearful, it’s been a tough year for her and her family too. Her husband died a few months ago and she’s finding it all incredibly challenging.  All that as well as being a full time Carer to Tara who has a significant brain injury. Tara turned up a few minutes later, gave me a big hug and wished me Happy Birthday which was really sweet. Sue did too, again really kind.  I just really feel for her. I know how hard I’ve found the last few days and I’ve only got to think about myself, so I take my hat off to her because she’s done an amazing job with Tara. After the basket making yesterday we were chatting for a while and she was asking about what my plans are next so I was telling her where I want to go and she said that she wants to travel next year. It will take some organising obviously because of Tara, but she wants to visit the UK again as she lived there a while before she got married. We’ve exchanged numbers and I’ve asked her to please come and stay with me when she does. I hope she takes me up on it.  Either way it will do her good to do it.  Our conversation made me realise once again that there is always someone worse off than you.  At least I didn’t have to nurse Si and hold it together and care for another person while doing so.  That’s not to say I wouldn’t have done for Si what she did for her husband but what she went through is a different kind of hell. Bless her, life is so desperately cruel.  

The sky was pretty heavy looking and the ocean a greenish blue shade instead of its usual clear foxes glacier mint shade and tad bouncy. Morg and I were impressed by the kyaking prowess of the two boat captains who were making their way through the waves to the boat. Had it been me on there I know I would have been overboard in seconds. And they had their phones in manage slung across their body. They were dry bags but still!!

I’m utterly drained today, totally out of spoons and everything is hard. I didn’t sleep well last night which hasn’t helped, so after breakfast I came back and went back to bed. As we passed by a young couple from the uk  she wished me happy birthday too, she'd obviously noticed Sue and Tara's hugs and birthday wishes , people are just so kind.  Morg snuck out at some point as when I woke up again there was a bar of chocolate on the bed for my birthday. He’s the best, I am so lucky to have him and he makes me proud every day. 

The rain stopped at 1500 so we went for coffee and cookies only to discover there were no cookies ! The devastation!  All the staff were in full swing preparing for the New Year’s Eve celebration which was starting at 1730 at the pool. The housekeeper had given us the heads up when she came to clean our room. The coffee enjoyed Morg and I decided to go for a walk around the other side of the Island as it was much cooler thanks to the rain. Besides, I'd not done much all day! It was really sad to see how much rubbish the storm had washed up on the sand, plastic bottles in the main. There was a beautiful piece of wood that washed ashore and the bark had mostly washed away, I do love driftwood! 

Our intention had been to walk right around the island but that was scuppered by the tide coming in fast, meaning we couldn’t get around the corner.  So unfortunately we had to return the same way we had just come from which was a bit harder going thanks to the incoming tide..

By the time we’d got back to the bar and pool area we were hungry so decided on a plate of light bites again. Well it is my birthday! We sat on the pool deck looking out over the ocean to wait for the food and  so many songs came on that triggered memories of Si and I dancing in the kitchen, ( I hadn't realised how often we did that until we no longer can) memorable events and occasions and of road trips which were lovely memories. Roxette’s “it must have been love” finished me completely. I almost wish we didn’t spend our time listening to music, it played such a huge part in our lives, and as such triggers so many memories for me. I’m sure I’m not the only one but I can pinpoint specific memories to certain music. God I almost wish we’d watched more TV or just spent more time sitting in silence!! Or even just spent all our time arguing because then I think it would almost be a relief to not have him around, instead of missing hom like I do. Our food arrived, the supply boat clearly bought fries in and more coconut because today the shrimp was perfect. As we sat and ate more memories were evoked by the music playing. (insert a large eyeroll here and an outpouring of positively vicious swearing)

Once we’d eaten our food we went back to the bure for a nap so we could be awake for the new year celebration. The sky started to clear and we glimpsed blue sky for the first time all day. As sunset loomed we decided to go for a swim as the rain had kicked up the humidity and it’s always nice to cool off in the ocean, and it's my birthday and I wanted to swim in the ocean. Morg went in ahead and I took this photo of him. This last week the boys from the boat have taken to calling him Maui which has amused me no end as you can imagine.

Unfortunately it was full of seaweed and had lost its clarity completely. Compared to the last few days though it was like. A millpond. Standing waist deep in the warm water, we could see the sky had cleared a lot over  in the west. Back over to the East we watched a huge rain cloud dump its contents into the ocean. It looked like a kids drawing of a rain cloud where the rain drops out from underneath it. Just incredible.

Morg got out of the ocean and fetched my phone for me in case there was a decent sunset. I asked Si for a sign he was with me but told him that it would need to be really clear so there would be no mistaking  it was  him. As the sun set, what did I hear coming from the pool area? Yep “Stuck on you”. Well I did ask, didn’t I? We’d been there a good half hour and not been able to distinguish any specific music at all although it was playing the whole time. So my boy was definitely with me today, not how I want him but showing me, in the only way he can I guess.

The sunset was breathtaking , ironic that the final one of 2025 which has been the worst year of my entire life should end with something so beautiful. 

Morg and I stayed on the beach until the colours faded and then went for a shower, full body spray of mosquito repellent and then settled in to watch the Hitman's bodyguard and then the hitman's bodyguard wife while waiting for the year to wind to an end. We got out of our jarmies at 2330 and made our way over to the pool.  There was so much laughter dancing and enjoyment I knew we had done the right thing not going over til later.  The band was excellent and all the staff were there enjoying themselves with the guests. The arrival of the new year in Fiji is marked by a celebration called Na Vakatawase which translates to “the Division” or “ Separation”. It symbolises the division of the old year from the new.  

The shrieks of laughter were infectious. New year for Fijians is about family, full bellies, dancing, connecting with each other, reflecting on the year and giving thanks for their blessings. It also involved them covering each other in powder, and pouring bowls of water down each other's backs. The pool was also utilized and there were a great many of them who ended up in there fully clothed. Absolutely loving the whole process and roaring with laughter. Just hauling themselves out of the pool and carrying on dancing. 

The kava ceremony is a huge part of the Fijian way of life particularly at celebrations and occasions. The kava is made out of ground up kava root plant which is placed in a cotton cloth and then stirred into the water.  There is a definite pecking order when it comes to who has first dibs. It is served out of a communal bowl made out of half a coconut and there is a Kava master whose job it is to make the Kava and serve it . Each village tribe/ family sat around their indivdual Kava bowls sharing in the drink. 

As midnight approached, the staff came around with glasses of prosecco for everyone to toast in the new year. Morg and I had already had a neat whisky and toasted Si, it was rough as old boots and I suspect took a few layers of skin off our throats when it went down. I was hoping it would help numb the pain but i dont think even the roughest Vat of whiskey is going to do that.

The countdown began and at midnight the fireworks were set off on the beach, and fair play there was a really good display, everyone was hugging each other, the staff,and the guests. It was lovely to see the joy but all I could think of  was that Si wasn't getting to see it and he should be. By celebrating the new year I really feel like I am somehow leaving him behind in 2025, and it's not a good feeling at all. He should have been standing there beside me , warning me to keep away from the fireworks in case I set the palm leaf roof alight as I have pre cons with firework’s, namely sparklers on new years eve. (If you know you know) instead of Si it was Morg taking the piss. Which I was grateful for, but it wasn't the right person, because he's not my person, Si is my person. Although I can't wait to see the back of 2025 as it's been the shittest of years, i dont want to go into 2026 without him,or leave him behind in any year to be honest. Poor Morg must have had the worst week ever to be honest, I've been an emotional wreck and he's had to put up with it. 

Soon after midnight the guests made their way back to their Bures and left the staff celebrating. Morg decided to  nip to the toilet and I waited in the lobby for him to come back. One of the men who I later found out was a tribal elder invited me to join them for a Kava saying it would “help the sadness leave me “ and relax me so I could sleep. Again the kindness from strangers is mind blowing. By the time Morgan came back I had had my Kava, a low tide, which is a small one and It had begun to rain again, and so the Elder invited us to stay and share the kava with them until it stopped.

He indicated to the Kava master to give Morgan one, and he was offered a high tide. You drink it straight down in one hit, it tastes a bit grainy and it instantly numbed our tongues. Compared to what Si and I tasted last year this stuff was the real deal,  as what we had then had no obvious effect at all on us.  We were given another two each, and I could feel the effects, a lovely calm feeling settled over me, and the Elder looked at me, and said “good, the kava has taken some of your sadness ”.  The rain continued for a little while, and they told us it was considered lucky to have it rain on new years day, clearly they wouldn't be thinking that if they lived in wales! It eased off and we expressed our thanks to them for inviting us to join them and sharing their kava and wished them a happy new year, and we made our way back to the bure, dodging the drips and leaving them to their celebration.

I am so glad we went to the party, and we stayed so much longer than either of us expected to, it was such a lovely atmosphere, and a true celebration of the end of the old and in with the new. I am also a bit smug i got to tell 2025 to fuck off an hour after new zealand but 12 hours  before the rest of my loved ones. I have survived New Years eve, and my first birthday without Si. It's the knowledge I will now have every single new year and birthday without him that I hate. I realised one of the best things about being in the Southern hemisphere is I am twelve hours closer to joining Si than I would be at home and that's one thing that gives me some relief. 

Morg and I contemplated another movie, but the kava kicked in! So Happy New Year from me and Morgan, let’s hope it’s kinder than 2025, because that was a bitch of a year

Much Love

Mrs Leonard

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