28/12/2025 **Optional emotional reading** our 6th wedding anniversary

Today has been so very hard, walking has felt like wading through molasses. Everything weighs heavy and the physical pain in my chest unbearable. My first wedding anniversary without Si. Fukin hell I thought Christmas was hard but this shit is a whole other level. I had great plans to do lots of snorkelling on the  other side of the island to distract me but that didn’t happen.  

I sat on the beach and watched the sun come up and relived our beautiful magical wedding day looking through all our photos lingering over every one that has Simon in. Luckily there are over 900 images and that's just the official ones. It was without a doubt the best day of my entire life. I became Mrs Leonard and that was the greatest gift Si gave me, his name and the honour and privilege of being his wife.  We were married exactly 2000 days, which is by my reckoning several thousand short of what we should have had. It was a perfect candle and fairylight ceremony at 1615hours. I've looked at our photos from Vietnam that document us going to the silk market to buy the silk for his suit, and my dress and cloak, to him being measured and the single fitting of his suit jacket (he never had  fitting for his trousers and they fit perfectly) and then picking it up the following day to bring home with us . I remembered the flap the week before the wedding when my dress hadn’t arrived and Si saying “dont worry babes we’ll go and find you an amazing one that's just “you” if it doesn't come”. Thankfully it came, and it fitted.  It had been a good few months since the single fitting I’d had for the bodice and it was simply stunning, everything I had envisaged and more. And my cloak, my beautiful burgundy silk velvet cloak with the red fur lined hood. Si loved that cloak as much as I did, which was why I wore it to his life celebration. I can’t get my head around that 6 years ago was the happiest day of my entire life and today I’m sobbing in the sand because the best part of me no longer walks beside me. I never imagined we would have such a short time together and that I would spend the rest of my life missing Si and walking the path we planned to walk together alone. Today I miss dancing in the kitchen, ,  I miss the sound of his voice, the touch of his hand, the feel of his lips on mine and his smell. I miss him telling me “I love you Babe’ as he left the house, no matter where he was going or how long he was going for. I miss him sitting next to me, the calm to my chaos and I'm crying for all our lost tomorrows, the ones we’ll never see together and I hate the fukin world. 

We elected to have breakfast early to avoid people. I mean no one wants to look at a woman ugly crying into her omelet. When we walked into the restaurant, The Police  “every breath you take” was playing. Morg went and asked the staff if they minded changing it which they did because the effect it had wasn't pretty. Any other day I would have taken it as  a sign from Si and been grateful for it. Today I don't want songs, I don't want feathers, I don't want pennies or rainbows or butterflies or even a bright blue starfish, I just want Simon. I would give up absolutely everything for just one more day with him. 

I got a pancake with crispy smoky bacon and maple syrup, which was one of Si’s favourite breakfasts here.

The upside down Robin came and sat on the table, and helped itself to some watermelon then returned for more keeping us company as we ate. 

We'd planned to have dinner tonight but the thought of sitting in a room with smiling happy couples was one I could not face. The rest of the day was spent either adding to the salt water in the ocean or in the hammock. Mid morning Morg brought out the heart cookies he'd got in the airport lounge for today. They were nice crisp gingerbread and  quite tasty with a cup of tea.

There are new people in the Bure next door and frankly they are too loved up for me to cope with today, they reminded me of how Si and I were and I really want to punch them.  To add insult to injury they tried to persuade Morgan and I to go on an Island hopping tour with them, as the trip needs 6 people to run. It takes in the Island next to the sandbar we were at the other day and the neighboring island, which we've already seen, so it is a total waste of money for us. Apart from that, I dont fukin want to go anywhere with other people, especially happy ones. They can all piss off.  

The universe declined to give me a decent sunset for my anniversary too. Thanks for that you Mo Fo. 

I decided to dress up in my purple dress tonight in Si’s honour and instead of dinner we went to the bar and ordered the cocktail of the day, a rum heavy concoction, with coconut milk and blue curacao, topped off with a bit of pineapple.  We took them to the edge of the pool area and grabbed a bean bag each to sit on and looked out over the dark ocean, listening to the rhythmic sounds of the waves hitting the beach. Above us Orion's belt twinkled and a beautifully clear half moon shone down on us. Morg and I toasted Si and wished him a Happy anniversary, which again brought me to tears. 

I have survived the day but I’m so empty and drained now and just a little more dead inside as again the realisation hits that he's not ever coming back no matter how much or hard I wish for it. And that is just shit. I've replayed over and over that last day, and the days before, all the signs I missed that something was seriously wrong with him, and if I had seen them and taken him to the Dr he would still be here with us. 

Sorry there's not a huge amount of joy in today's post, it is, as the title says, optional reading

Much Love 

Mrs Leonard

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