19/1/2026 Sunrises and Recovery

After a lovely busy day yesterday I was seriously pissed off that sleep failed and I had really awful anxiety in my chest and a sick feeling in my tummy. I gave up trying to sleep at 0430 and went and sat outside on the sun lounger overlooking the ocean and waited for the sun to come up. 

It was really nice, lovely and cool, the waves crashing over the reef and just so peaceful watching the sky starting to lighten and the sun rise.  

I went to breakfast as soon as it was open, and helped myself to coffee and fruit. There were freshly made warm ring donuts covered in sugar on the table with the breads and pastries. They smelt amazing.  I thought fuckit I'm having one of those, being as it's a particularly shitty day today.. I took a bite and that delicious sugary donut tried to choke me.  I couldn't even force it down, which is less than ideal. Thankfully the coffee isn't a problem, just the food at the moment. I packed some bread into a napkin and took a banana for later back to my room to try later with no success.

It’s Sandy’s last day so I told her she is welcome to use the room and shower and stuff before she leaves this afternoon as she has to check out of her room at 10.00hrs. She sat on her own today and had her music playing in her headphones. Her singing voice is incredible, what she was singing, “Dancing in the Sky” by Liv Harland was like a punch in the stomach, it’s one of the ones that I played over and over and over after Si died.

The day has been spent curled up in the room because I absolutely did not want to do peopling today. It's been too hard, so I've been looking at photos of Si and listening to music in the aircon. 

At 1600 I pulled on my big girl pants and went out by the pool, it was obviously still beautifully warm and I wanted to see Amanda before she flew back to Christchurch. I'm glad I saw her, as I've enjoyed all their company very much. Niki and Honey are here until Tuesday so I have the pleasure of their company until then. Half an hour later they all left to take Amanda to the airport and I stayed by the pool talking to a young girl who is heading over to London in March to pursue a dance career until she went in for dinner.

I went back to the room and sat there listening to the staff choir singing, it was beautiful but I had to go in and shut the door on it. 

After my shower I sat in my chair and could hear a whole lot of screaming coming from outside the room, which was locked as always. It escalated quickly and got really nasty becoming so loud it stopped the singing in its tracks. Long story short, some piece of shit was lamping seven bells of shit out of his wife/girlfriend and has now been removed from the resort. Asshole. 

Thankfully the security guards and staff acted really fast.

It has been a really really tough one today, I'm missing Si desperately, so much there is an actual physical pain in my chest, and it hurts as much today as it did the day he died. Learning that old friends are beginning this awful journey today isn’t helping I don’t suppose.

The best part of the day is its ending as always. I've existed for another 24 hours, and I am now that bit closer to being with Si again.

Much Love

Mrs Leonard

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