15/3/2026 Happy UK Mothers Day

Happy Mothers day to you all and not forgetting the fur baby mums. It’s another one of those days Si used to make a particular fuss of me so it's been a bit of a shitty one, despite being on the same continent as Morgan for the first time on mothers day in many years. I miss Si bouncing out of bed to make me a cup of tea and bring it upstairs, with a card in his other hand. We didn't bother with birthday or Christmas cards, but for mothers day, and fathers day we did without fail. When we still had Daf, Si always had a card off him too. He'd always take me out to lunch, and spend the day doing even more than usual for me. I was so spoiled, looked after, and adored. I know I am lucky to have had that, but bloody hell it's really bloody shitty now I don’t. Morg and I are going to go out in the week for dinner, although it feels a bit of a piss take as it's not mother’s day here until May. I am particularly blessed and grateful to have spent so much time with him these last few weeks and that is more than enough.

I was on the beach really early, and it was busy with the swim club, well the ocean was busy, the beach was pretty empty apart from dog walkers. The swim club are the people who swim dragging their fluorescent swim floats behind them. I had my swimmers on as I had intended to take a swim anyway, so I joined them. They were obviously far better swimmers than me, but for me it was nice to have competent swimmers around me while I pushed my limits again. By pushing my limits I mean going out so far that I couldn't see the ocean floor, which didn't help the old panic and anxiety greatly.. While enjoying my very restful floating yesterday, I decided to take my snorkel mask with me so I could swim today and it was a game changer. Where I struggle with the whole swimming lark (other than not liking the water) is either trying to keep my head out of the water as it kills my neck, and I am also completely unable to master the whole front crawl, breathing and swimming sequence. The snorkel mask eliminates the need for any of that nonsense and I found I was able to swim much easier, head down and just crack on. I was going to leave the mask here when I come home as it's a bit bulky, but having discovered how much easier it makes swimming I will bring it back and I can look like an idiot at the leisure centre instead.  I may have overdone it a little bit once again because my legs were like jelly when I finally got out. I sat on the beach for a few hours to recover and let the sun soak into my tired limbs as I thought about Si. Unfortunately that particular train of thought caused my eyes to start leaking and snot bubbles escaped my nostrils. I know he would have been laughing at me swimming in the snorkel mask because even I was fully aware how ridiculous I looked, but I think he would have been impressed that I was even in there doing it in the first place knowing me as well as he did! 

I walked back to the unit via Kohi coffee shop and had a large one which fuelled me enough to get me back, and make myself some lunch. A chunky peanut butter and jam open sandwich with salt and vinegar crisps.

Si would not have approved, he was a ready salted crisps man, except if he was eating a mars bar and then he'd have had smoky bacon crisps and ate them with the mars bar. True story, although he didn't very often have a mars bar! As I was making my lunch Peter knocked the door to see if there was anything I needed, clean bed more towels etc, but as I’m leaving Wednesday it seems a waste of time to change the bed again after they only did it 2 days ago. I did have a load of rubbish to go out which he took for me, I cannot believe how much I accumulate so quickly!

I was really glad Morg and I didn't go out today, it would have been way too much of a struggle. After my lunch I turned on netflix and watched the hitman's bodyguard and the hitman's wife's bodyguard, two of Si’s favourites and i felt a bit closer to him by doing that, I propped his photo up on a cushion next to me so he could watch them too. Seems to me that year two is going to be every bit as fucking shite as year one was without him, except now i don’t have the luxury of shock to shield me from the absolute awfulness and incredible pain of it. Deep Joy. It's been 409 days since I woke up beside him holding hands, since I've seen that smile and felt his lips on mine and been held in a pair of arms that always represented safety, protection and unconditional love. 409 days of existing without him in a life I absolutely fucking hate. I’m really glad to see the back of today, it’s been hard, but I’m so happy that I am another day closer to being with him again.

Much Love

Mrs Leonard

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